Family Ties

The Strong-Willed Adolescent - The early years of childhood are vital to the establishment of respect between generations. Without that foundation, the balance of power and control is shifted toward the younger combatant. Read here for more of Dr. James Dobson's suggestions on raising strong-willed children.

Admitting When You Are Wrong - Some parents attempt to hide their mistakes, usually to protect the image of being a perfect parent who can handle anything at any time. But we should not be afraid to admit our mistakes and failures to our children. We can let them know we understand their weaknesses because we have a few of our own.

Gifts from God - Parents have a powerful impact on the lives of their children. One of the most important things children learn, outside of the fact that God loves them, is that you, as a parent, love and accept them. Learn how to show children that you consider them gifts, not burdens.

Praying For Prodigals - If you know people who have wandered away from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction. Here you'll learn foundational principles for how to pray for the "prodigals" in your life

Only last week 2500 teens "crashed" a party given in my neighborhood, strewing beer cans and broken glass up and down the block. When the Chief of Police was asked why he didn't break up the disturbance, he replied, (to my recollection):
        "What were we to do? There were twenty-four policemen against 2500 kids. We made a few arrests, but each student seized had to be escorted to the station by two men. It was just not feasible to control the entire mob. Furthermore, it is not illegal to stand in a crowd of young people. Before taking any action, we had to witness a specific offense being committed there in the dark, and then catch the particular person responsible. The rest of the crowd considered policemen to be enemies, of course, and interfered with the apprehensions. All in all, it was an impossible assignment."
        If policemen are unable to control teens today, then parents are in an even more delicate position. Unless their sons and daughters have an inner tug toward cooperation and responsibility, the situation can get bloody very quickly. But where does that voice of restraint originate? It has been my contention that the early years of childhood are vital to the establishment of respect between generations. This . . . in effect, is devoted to helping parents of strong-willed children create a relationship of love and control during the preteen years that will contribute toward adolescent sanity. Without that foundation -- without a touch of awe in the child's perception of his parent -- then the balance of power and control is definitely shifted toward the younger combatant. I would be doing a disservice to my readers if I implied otherwise.
        On the other hand, we must do the best job we can during the teen years, even if that foundation has not been laid. Our avowed purpose in that situation is to prevent the emerging adult from making costly errors with lifetime implications, including drug addictions, disastrous early marriage, pregnancy, school failure, alcoholism, etc. There may be occasions when these serious threats require a radical response by mothers and fathers.
        My parents were once in that position. When I was sixteen years old, I began to play some "games" which they viewed with alarm. I had not yet crossed the line into all-out rebellion, but I was definitely leaning in that direction. My father was a minister who was traveling consistently during that time, and when my mother informed him of my sudden defiance, he reacted decisively.
        He cancelled his three-year speaking schedule and accepted a pastoral assignment which permitted him to be home with me for my last two years in high school. He sold our home and moved the family seven hundred miles south to give me a fresh environment, new friends, and the opportunity to hunt and fish. I didn't know that I had motivated this relocation, but now I understand my parents' reasoning and appreciate their caring enough to sacrifice their home, job, friends, and personal desires, just for my welfare. This was one way they revealed their love for me at a critical stage of my development.
        The story does not end there, of course. It was difficult making new friends in a strange high school at the beginning of my junior year. . . . My mother sensed this feeling of friendlessness and in her characteristic way, was "hurting" with me. One day after we had been in the new community for about two weeks, she took my hand and pressed a piece of paper into the palm. She looked in my eyes and said, "This is for you. . . . Just take it and use it for anything you want . . . ."
        I unfolded the "paper," which turned out to be a twenty-dollar bill. It was money that my mother and father didn't have, considering the cost of the move and the small salary my dad was to be paid. But no matter. I stood at the top of their list of priorities during those stormy days. We all know that money won't buy friends and twenty dollars (even then) did not change my life significantly. Nevertheless, my mother used that method of saying to me, "I feel what you feel; I know it's difficult right now, but I'm your friend and I want to help." Every troubled teen should be so fortunate as to have parents who are still pulling for him and praying for him and feeling for him, even when he has become most unlovable.
        In summary, . . . parents should be willing to take whatever corrective action is required, but to avoid nagging, moaning, groaning, and growling when possible. Anger does not motivate teen-agers! How foolish it is, for example, for the vice principal of Kamakaze High School to stand screaming in the parking lot as students roar past in their cars. He can solve the speeding problem once and for all by placing a bump in the road which will tear the wheels off their love-buggies if they ignore its sinister presence. In Russia, by the way, students who are convicted of taking drugs are placed at the end of a waiting list to obtain cars. This policy has had a remarkable impact on the unpopularity of narcotics there, I'm told. These two illustrations contain the key to adolescent discipline, if in fact one exists. It involves the manipulation of circumstances, whatever they may be, to influence the behavior of youngsters, combined with an appeal to love and reason and cooperation and compromise. It ain't much, as they say, but it's all we've got.

One afternoon I walked into Andy's room to mention something to him, and I noticed the sun was shining through his window onto a piece of furniture. Not wanting the dark colors of the furniture's upholstery to fade, I walked over to the window to close the curtains.
        I did not notice, however, that on the floor by the window was his jade chess set. As I walked to the window, I stepped right in the middle of the chess set and sent the pieces flying all over the floor. [Without thinking how it sounded] I said, "Andy, you should not put your chess set on the floor; it could get broken . . .". Then I walked out of the room.
        A few minutes later he walked into my study . . . . I looked up and asked him what he needed. With a look of concern on his face he said, "Do you realize you walked into my room, kicked my chess set all over the floor, scolded me . . . walked out, and never said anything about being sorry?"
        Fortunately . . . we both got tickled as we began to think about what happened. After I apologized, he said something very interesting. . . . "You know, if I had walked in here and confronted you this way and you had defended yourself, I would have really lost respect for you." . . . I breathed a sigh of relief as I thought of what could have happened to my relationship with Andy over something so trivial as knocking over some chess pieces. Then I thanked the Lord for helping me see my fault and for giving me the courage to apologize.

THE GREAT COVER-UP
        Some parents attempt to hide their mistakes. Usually, they are trying to protect the image they feel responsible to portray -- the perfect parents who have their act completely together and who can handle anything at any time. The fact is, however, that we should not be afraid to admit our failures or mistakes to our children. As this example from my own life illustrates, we do more to hurt our reputation with our kids by covering up than by 'fessing up. . . . Children do not understand parents' motivation behind their attempts to cover their mistakes. What is communicated to the children is that the parents cannot admit when they are wrong. . . .

A GREATER CONSEQUENCE -- DISTRUST
        When a parent will not admit being wrong, an attitude of general distrust may develop . . . . To cover up is to lie. It is very difficult for someone to trust another person when that person has lied in the past. The tragedy is that these feelings of distrust usually invade every area of a child's relationship with that particular parent. . . . If allowed to continue, this kind of attitude can destroy the relationship between parent and child, and it can do serious damage to the child's relationship with a spouse later on. . . .

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
        Another consequence that can result from a parent's unwillingness to admit failure is a communication breakdown. This happens when a child confronts a parent about the parent's error or decision and is then punished for being "disrespectful." Nothing builds communication barriers faster than taking away a child's right to express an opinion in the home. Although this may not be a parent's goal, it may be the only means of keeping the mistake from being exposed. The consequences down the road are devastating. . . .

THEY DO WHAT YOU DO
        A third consequence of not owning up to mistakes is that a parent teaches a child to do the same thing. . . . Children naturally take their cue from you. When you cover up your mistakes by deceiving your family or by silencing them, you are in effect saying, "The way to deal with failure is to deny it and to silence those who see things differently." Part of teaching your children how to master life is teaching them how to deal successfully with failure, and this can occur only if you are willing to admit failure in the first place. . . .

BE VULNERABLE!
        For many people, admitting to an error is no easy task. . . . Something deep inside all of us flares up in defense of our decisions when they are questioned. That "something" is the flesh. Individuals who are walking after the flesh will do anything necessary to keep from looking bad, to keep from looking as if they made a mistake.
        People who make it a habit of walking after the flesh are, by the very nature of the flesh, insecure. They look only to themselves for a sense of identity and worth, but since the creature has no real significance apart from the Creator, there is a general sense of insecurity. If people look only to themselves for their sense of significance and security, the natural thing to do when confronted about a fault of some kind is to deny it because accusations are direct threats to the security and the sense of self-worth of the individual. . . .
        On an emotional level, you may feel that admitting an error is synonymous with being a failure. This is something you must discover for yourself. But if this pattern is allowed to continue, you will ultimately alienate yourself from your children as well as [others]. . . .
        If you want to keep your kids on your team, you need to let them know you understand; you understand their weaknesses, struggles, and failures; you understand because you have a few yourself. Admit your errors, own up to your mistakes, share your weaknesses, and you will have taken another positive step toward keeping your children on your team.

My wife Anna and I waited eagerly as the arrival of our first child drew near. We both wanted children but decided to wait until I was out of seminary and settled into our first church. When Andy, our oldest, greeted the world we made a crucial decision: to dedicate him and his entire life to the Lord. It has been one of the best decisions we have ever made.

As the nurse placed Andy in Anna's arms and left the room, we bowed in prayer over him. We thanked God for His grace in giving us a child and for the privilege of allowing us to have Andy to teach and guide in the ways of the Lord.

Both of us understood from the beginning that although Andy, and later Becky, were gifts from God, they were not ours to keep. From the first day we brought each one home from the hospital, we purposed in our hearts to raise them to know that God has a special assignment for them. It did not matter to us where this would take them. We only knew that God was in the process of preparing them with our assistance.

Parents have a powerful impact on the lives of their children. One of the most important things a child can learn, outside of the fact that God loves him, is that you, as a parent, love and accept him. God's acceptance for each one of us is unconditional. When He views your life or the life of your child, He sees nothing but potential.

God never shouts at you or your children to do this or that better. He is committed to loving, encouraging, accepting, guiding, and nurturing each one of us. He also disciplines us, but His discipline is administered within the context of His unconditional love. He desires for you to do the same for your children.

If a child is viewed as a burden, then you can be sure this message will be transferred to him or her. Jesus loved children. He admonished the disciples by saying, "Let the children come to Me." If anyone knows the pressure you are under as a parent, living in a world that seems out of control morally, Jesus does. He is intensely aware of the fears that run through your mind and the hesitation you have as you "try your best" to raise your children well.

The fact is that you can't do this on your own. We realized this very early in the process of being parents. The source of our hope was not in ourselves but in knowing that Jesus loves our children more than we ever could.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a healthy self-esteem. Maurice Wagner writes: "An adequate self-concept is a precious possession. It is the premise upon which a person can devote himself wholeheartedly to living a useful and productive life. It prepares the mind to think clearly so that a person can be at his best, enables him to concentrate upon definite goals, and motivates him to a complete commitment to the task at hand. An inadequate self-concept is a handicap. It affords no premise upon which a person can give himself completely to what he wants to do. It provides no cohesion for the various forces of the mind so that an inner wholeness can be realized, and it binds a person under the tyranny of having to measure up in some way in order to feel accepted."

When does self-esteem begin to become a factor in a child's life? The tone is set from the very beginning. A baby can sense love just as he or she can sense rejection. A child is never a mistake. Because God is sovereign, He knows when every one of us is conceived, and there are no mistakes from His viewpoint. The situation that precedes the birth of some may be difficult, but even the most extreme cases hold tremendous potential for the baby.

This anxiety we sometimes feel over our children can be put to rest when we realize that God is not distant. He is near. Regardless of your circumstance or the age of your child, He will guide you as you seek to raise your children in the light of His truth.

What do you do if you feel as though you have already made mistakes along the way? Go to God and confess your inadequacies. When a child sees a parent with a humble heart seeking God, he or she will be inspired to do the same. This also teaches your children to put God first. Practice getting on your child's level, even if this means getting down on the floor with him - eyeball to eyeball. Ask God to help you deal with your youngster out of love, the way He deals with you. Take time to listen because God takes time to listen to you, even if it is childish gibberish. You will be surprised at what your toddler has to say. While God is the author of our self-esteem, parents have a crucial role in the development. Ask the Lord to help you discover how you can encourage and strengthen your child's self-image.

Remember: when God views you, He sees potential. Therefore, no matter how troubled your youngster may be at times, there is hope and there is potential. Asking God for His wisdom daily will bring many surprises, some of which will be memories to cherish for a lifetime.

If you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God. (James 5:19-20, The Message)

She read her daily Bible passage until she felt the Holy Spirit stopping her at a verse. Then she wrote that verse on two 3 X 5 cards -- one went in a clear frame on the kitchen sink and the other on her car's dashboard -- and asked God to teach her something about His character revealed in the verse. She would praise Him for that attribute all day. God, not the problem, was her focus.

PRAYER SUSTAINS US IN THE BLACKEST DAYS
Three years of praising God daily for who He is and how He was working in their family not only deepened her relationship with the Lord, it prepared her for what was ahead. On the outside, things got worse. Although Trent briefly stopped using drugs during the summer, he began using and selling drugs again when he went away to college.

Sheryl prayed and fasted. Out of this time came deep peace and confidence that God was still in charge and He wasn't letting go of Trent. A few days later, Trent was arrested, and eventually he was sentenced to six months in jail. He recounted the next events in a letter he wrote from jail:

Sometimes we become shrouded in a fog of discouragement or weariness, and it looks like things will never change. But press on. Keep praying. That breakthrough may be just around the corner.

Need some help in building a better relationship with your parents? Check out these ideas!

Erin is furious with her parents because she thinks they’re too strict. “They get on my case when I wear makeup. I’m 14, but they think that’s too young,” Erin says. “But I love the way makeup looks. Why can’t my parents understand how I feel?”

Cassandra hasn’t spoken to her mom and dad in two days. “They’re making my life miserable with an ultra-early curfew,” she says. “I can’t even go to a 7:30 p.m. movie because my parents want me home by 9 p.m. It’s totally ridiculous.”

Erin and Cassandra are hardly the first teens to clash with their parents. As you’re probably well aware, teens want independence, and parents want to guide and protect.

“In some ways, teens and parents almost have mutually exclusive agendas,” says Kathleen Galvin of Northwestern University. “Parents are probably still focused inward in terms of what’s going on within the family, and most teens are beginning to focus outward, paying a great deal more attention to their peer groups as sources of influence.”

As a result, teens disagree with their parents about everything from parties and grades to how neat their bedrooms need to be and their choice of friends. Although you may think your parents are unreasonable when they tell you to get off the phone after you’ve “only” been talking for two hours, it doesn’t have to turn into a big blowup. Here are some suggestions for working out your differences.

1. Get to know your parents.
You can put an end to a lot of misunderstandings with your parents just by learning more about them. “I thought my dad was horrible for not letting me go ice skating on the pond,” admits 15-year-old Ashley. “But then my dad told me the story of how his best friend almost died when they were teens, playing hockey on a pond that hadn’t frozen over completely. My dad’s friend skated over a thin patch of ice and fell in. Now I understand why my dad was so concerned about me.”

Take some time to talk with your parents and get to know them better. Ask what life was like when they were teens. What did they do for fun? Did they have a lot of friends? What was school like? See if there are any past experiences contributing to the way your parents deal with conflict and rules. Try to find out where they’re coming from and why they react the way they do. Any effort you make to learn more about how your parents’ life is going will be helpful in how you interact with them in the future.

2. Let your parents know you better.
Picture yourself at the dinner table. Your mom asks how school was today, and you respond, “Fine.” Your dad asks what plans you have for the weekend, and you say, “I don’t know.” Your mom asks how your friend Kelly is doing, and you say, “All right.”

While you may be tempted to respond to your parents’ questions in this way, doing so “closes your parents out in terms of being able to make any kind of predictions about your behavior,” Dr. Galvin says. “Your parents will be much less likely to grant certain privileges or permission to do something, because they don’t have much to help them make a decision — they don’t know your friends, and they don’t know how you feel about various issues or how you interact with your peers.”

Teens who have good relationships with their parents are those willing to talk about everyday happenings. This helps parents have some sense of what your life is like. Tell your parents about school activities. Introduce them to your friends. Let them know what you think about current events on the news. Doing these things will allow your parents to have some idea about what you’re thinking and will let them know they can trust you.

3. Discuss concerns before they turn into catastrophes.
Set aside a time and place to talk when both you and your parents are relaxed and stress-free. You may want to plan weekly or monthly meetings with your parents to share your concerns or to discuss social activities you’d like to go to, privileges you’d like to work towards, what you’d like to do on summer vacation, etc.

Don’t tell your dad Saturday afternoon that you want a later curfew that night and expect a positive response. “The key is to give your parents as much advance notice as possible,” says Mary Halpin, an adolescent psychologist. “If you spring things on your parents at the last minute, you will probably get a flat “No” with no compromises. Give your parents a reasonable amount of time, several days or longer depending on what the event is, to think about your request.”

Try to see things from your parents’ perspective and anticipate what questions they’re going to ask. Think your proposal through ahead of time. You’re going to have a better chance of getting a “Yes” if your parents are comfortable with your plans. If there are a lot of gaps and “I’m not sures,” you’ll be less likely to ease your parents’ concerns.

4. Be willing to negotiate
“After I got my driver’s license, I asked to use my mom’s car so I could drive some friends to the school dance,” 16-year-old Jennifer says. “When my mom asked which friends I planned to take, I didn’t feel like telling her, so she wouldn’t let me take the car, and I didn’t go to the dance. The next day at school, everyone was talking about how much fun the dance was, and I wished I’d been willing to talk with my mom.”

Keep in mind, you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect things to go exactly the way you want all the time. Learn to compromise and negotiate. “That means sometimes you may get most of what you want, sometimes you may get some of what you want and other times you may get very little of what you want,” Dr. Halpin says. Seek a compromise where both you and your parents come away feeling satisfied. Remind yourself that a partial solution is better than getting nothing at all.

5. Choose your battles carefully.
What issues are most important to you? Use of the family car? Going on a ski trip with your friends? Extending curfew? A raise in your allowance? Dropping piano lessons? Not everything is worth fighting for. If you are constantly approaching your mom and dad with complaints, life at home won’t be pleasant for you or your parents.

“Some teens go to the wall, even on issues really not that important to them. It’s like something triggers, and the teen thinks to herself, I have a right, and the issue seems more important than it is,” Dr. Galvin says. Save your confrontations for the things that really matter and learn to accept minor inconveniences and disappointments. Then when you do talk with your parents about a problem, they’ll know it’s something that means a lot to you.

6. Don’t think of your parents as the enemy.
“When I told my mother about the party I wanted to go to, she instantly jumped on me with questions like, ‘Who’s going to be at the party? Will a parent be there? How late will the party go?’ It’s like she doesn’t want me to go and doesn’t care if I have any fun. But I’m just trying to be like everyone else and have a good time,” Lana, 16, says.

While it may not feel this way right now, your parents are on your side. They’re looking out for you and aren’t getting thrills about telling you “No.” Dr. Halpin says, “Teens tend to think their parents grew up in the stone age, back in the ’50s and ’60s. Yes, things are different in the ’90s in the sense that it’s a faster-paced world, and there’s less clear guidelines about what’s appropriate behavior and what isn’t. But teens are still teens, and even though teens in the ’90s may seem more sophisticated on the surface, they’re still not adults.”

Your parents are the people responsible for helping you make decisions until you’re 18. They want you to enjoy your teenage years. They want you to grow up and become well-adjusted, successful adults. But sometimes, their way of parenting may be different from what you’d like them to do. Remind yourself they’re your parents and they care about you, even when you don’t see eye-to-eye!

Keeping Commandment No. 5

When God spoke the top 10 things He expected of His followers to Moses, He included “Honor your father and mother.” Of all the things God could have put in His list, why did He make a point to tell us to honor our parents? And what does honor really mean?

Parents have a special place in God’s eyes, and He’s trusted them with the great responsibility of shaping their children — His children. If for no other reason, because of their position as people who allowed us to come into this world, parents deserve our respect. Whether or not your parents are living in a way that pleases God, or whether your biological or adoptive parents are raising you, God commands you to honor them.

One way to honor your parents is to speak politely to them and well of them to others. You can also honor your parents with courteous and respectful behavior. Obedience (as long as it’s in tune to God’s Word) is another form of honor.

If it’s difficult for you to get along with your parents and you see that you’re not living in a courteous, respectful, obedient manner, ask God to show you how to keep His commandment. God always understands your feelings and will give you the strength and direction you need to do as He says.

But wait. That’s not all there is to the fifth commandment. For the first time in any commandment, God attaches a promise. He says, “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). Though it may be tough to hold your tongue, show unconditional love and forgiveness or stay home from a party you’re not allowed to attend, your actions are not done in vain. God is pleased with those who follow His commands and blesses those who honor their parents.

Hey, we'd love to have some feedback from you! If you've got a comment about this article, send it to Brio@macmail.fotf.org. Please include your name, age and mailing address.